For My Husband On Fathers Day

 It's 23:15 on the eve of Father's Day.
I'm working on some last minute gifts for Andy from Gracie and Alfie tomorrow.
With all the chaos of moving and getting set up here in Cyprus this day has come around much quicker than I realised.
I'm sat here whilst Andy,Gracie and Alfie are asleep. I am watching them on the monitor.I'm trying to gather my thoughts to write something special to my husband for Father's Day.
Watching my husband and our precious children all snuggled and sleeping as my inspiration for writing this.

With tears in my eyes and a heart fit to burst try as I might I simply cannot find the words.
How do I translate what this man does with his heart every day?
I have had the privilege of watching this amazing man become the father he never knew he would be.
I have had the pleasure of seeing every moment of sheer love and joy he has had with our babies for the past 1 year and 11 days. That is 1 year and 11 days my husband has held our babies,  loved them and laughed with them and yet every day it's is like he is seeing them and holding them for the first time.
The happiness and love in this mans heart knows no bounds.
The love that he has for our diddy people makes my heart melt daily. As soon as his eyes open in the morning they are drawn to the diddies laying between us and a light is turned on that is met by a smile.
I didn't have a very good example of what a father should be but I know one thing, Gracie and Alfie are so lucky and this amazing man will make sure they know how much they are loved, how clever they are, how beautiful they are. By his example they will know joy, love, happiness, silliness, courage, determination and strength. They will know how to be brave, how to be kind, how to be loyal. They will also know of health and well being by his example. He will show them how hard work pays off and how to always do the best they can and take pride in everything they do. His laughter and smile will warm their hearts (as it does mine) and dry their tears. They will know their daddy is there for them and that he always will be.
When we married we never knew where our path would take us. Yet I always knew this man would be an amazing father. I'm so proud and grateful in so so many ways that I get to ride sidecar with him on this amazing adventure and watch him be that father every day.

So it's not a poem. It's not an expensive gift. The gifts I give him tomorrow are handmade with anything I could get my hands on locally while most of our belongings are in shipment. The greatest gifts we could have hoped for arrived 1 year and 11 days ago, these two little miracles that made him a father. He holds these gifts in his arms every day and will hold them in his heart forever.

To my husband on this Father's Day. I love you and I am so so proud.

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Our 5 Year Wedding Anniversary

Beautiful garden in Mauritius where we were married 

Today is our 5th Wedding Anniversary.

I was looking back at the post I wrote on this day last year (you can read it here) and was moved to write an Anniversary post again today.

I recall last year having been up all night unable to sleep with all the thoughts running through my head. I was sitting downstairs at 5am crying and writing that blog post. 



As much as I wished, hoped and prayed for on that day last year (and every other day)  I could never have imagined that one year on things would be so different.


On this morning a year ago I was wishing that instead of my thoughts and fears keeping me awake all night, it would be our baby. How could I have known then that a year on I would be up most of the night laying next to my amazing husband and feeling our baby boy and our baby girl having a dance off in my tummy. 

Sunset Kiss

I did write back then that it wasn't always easy throughout our then 4 years of marriage due to the struggle with infertility and IVF. Perhaps I have always played that side of it down. Sometimes now I wonder did I push Andy away to some degree because it was too painful to see and feel his pain? I cant even begin to explain how it is to see this man that you love so much without that light in his beautiful eyes and to know that you cant take that pain away. It's soul destroying. We came close to breaking point many times, especially after our miscarriage 2 years ago after our first cycle. I'm proud to say we held on. 

My intention here is not to trowel through the pain but I guess to say that I am so grateful that all that pain and heartache has been worth something and so what I'm trying to covey is even in the darkest despair on this journey to just try not to give up hope. 

As much as I willed it I could never have even dreamt that I would be sitting here this morning writing this and feeling our boy trying to bust through my rib cage. (Don't worry little fella do whatever you want, I'm just glad to feel you, just ask your sister to get off my bladder if she can.)

Pre wedding Giggles

I look at my husband now and I'm glad to say that light is back . His blue eyes are sparkling again. I have watched this amazing man deal with things you should never have to deal with, all the while remaining a pillar of strength to support me. I have said it before but without this journey we have been on I may never have seen the strength this amazing man holds in his heart. What a big heart. He thinks I can't see it but before every scan I see the worry and then (thankfully) the relief on his face.

I'm so proud of how hard he works with his full time job, then studying for his Open University degree, looking after me for the past 8 months when I am vommitting (tying my hair back and bringing me water), rubbing a tennis ball over my back, brining me food and drink, putting my socks on for me, doing a lot of chores in the house so I don't have to crouch, bend, lift. The most amazing sight for me is the look in his eyes when he shows me a finished project he has done for our babies nursery. All this relentlessly and never complaining, I think just because he is so grateful that he can do it for his family.

I won't use this as a forum to complain about my dad who left when we were 4 and passed away a few years ago but I will say that I didn't have a great example of what a dad should be. I looked at my husband years ago and knew then that he would be such an amazing dad. Just this time during pregnancy has already proved me right. 

The love of my life

I know, I'm gushing. I can't help it right now. This man is my world, my heart,  my strength, my past, my future, my best friend. I know as much as anyone that  you can never be certain of the future but what I do know right now is how proud I feel when I look at my husband. The gift of him and the blessings we have in my tummy.  I am so grateful that I get to spend the rest of forever loving him and our babies and watching him being the best husband and daddy I could ever wish for. 

My promise to him  is to be the best wife and mummy that I can possibly be. 

I'm proud of what we have overcome to get here and proud that we survived it together. I know I would not have come through this journey with anyone else.

This has turned into an "ode to Andy", that's ok, this is our anniversary.

September 2012 at friends wedding. I'm a lucky girl

Oh and a year on I am sat here crying again but for all the right reasons.

Love Chele
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Watch my 28 - 30 Week Pregnancy Vlog here!

I wish I had been updating on here sooner but if you wish to see updates prior to 24 weeks I have been uploading almost weekly updates in my YouTube Channel from 6 weeks to date.

How far along? 30 weeks

30 weeks 1 day

Total weight gain/measurements: I don't have any scales at home so haven't weighed myself since my last update but when I do I will be sure to update on here.

30 weeks 1 day 

Measurements: I don't know what my waist measurement was pre pregnancy and I am kicking myself for not measuring from the beginning but here is what I have:



17 weeks 5 days: 38.2 inches
20 weeks: 39 inches
21 weeks: 40 inches
24 weeks: 41 inches
25 weeks: 41.5 inches
26 weeks: 40.5 inches
27 weeks: 41 inches
30 weeks: 42 inches

Maternity clothes: I bought 2 pairs of black maternity leggins from New Look. Think they we £14 for a 2 pack.
If you like seeing Maternity Outfits I do post OOTD pics most days on my Instagram which is Chelenic.

Stretch marks: Still none! Have been slathering in Sanctuary Oil, L'Occitane Amande Huile Souplesse, Burts Bees Tummy Butter and my coconut oil.

Sleep: this is soooooooo bad! with my inflamed ribs I just cannot get comfy no matter how many pillows I prop myself up and pad myself out with. Then when I'm close to sleep i need to get up and pee. I also have PGP/SPD now too which makes sleeping even worse. Any tips would be most appreciated!

Best moment this week: Well, since my last post at 28 weeks..... I had my last day in the

My lovely Pink Lining Twin bag

office and then a further 2 weeks working from home bringing me to 30 weeks 2 days.
My last day in the office was fab. I walked in and my friend Kim had put balloons all around my desk and colleagues had a whip round and bought me some beautiful gifts (you can see them in my last east video update). A wonderfully scrumptious smelling L'0ccitane gift set, a very generous Next gift card and a blinkin stunning twin Pink Lining Changing bag. I was so blown away. I have been lusting after this bag for some time and was so thrilled to have received it as a gift. I will have a review of the bag in my YouTube channel as soon as possible.

Anything else to report this week? I was back in the Maternity Day Assessment Unit last friday (29 weeks 2 days). I had been feeling really bad again for days with the dizziness, breathlessness, vommiting, rib pain and also pelvic pain. The first thing they did was put me on the monitor to monitor babies heartbeats which were fab so very relieved there. my blood pressure had dropped to 80/40 which I was told is very low.
When I was on the monitor too they could see I was having Braxton Hicks which was good to know as I have been felling a bit crampy too so I was relieved it was that.
I have been referred to physio for Pelvic Girdle Pain and for my painful ribs so I hope that will help. Still on the iron tablets.

Miss anything? Nope, we would trade anything for this!

Movement: the movement feels a bit different now. It definitely feels stronger. Sometimes it doesn't feel like a kick more like they are moving its amazing. I can see my tummy moving a lot now too which is so amazing.

Food cravings: I'm still crazy for orange juice, especially the Copella one, it tastes amazingly fresh. Also I can't eat normal size portions, maybe because my tummy is already full but I never really feel hunger anymore so just have to eat regularly. I want sweet things more than I used to too.

Anything making you queasy or sick? I am being sick again but it's kind of sporadic, I can't really pinpoint it on anything in particular. I am getting very bad acid at night which Gaviscon doesn't help, I think it's the acid that makes me vomit so badly at night.

Labour signs: Nope and I'd like it to stay that way for many weeks yet!

Symptoms: 
Big tummy
Babies using my bladder as a trampoline even more right now
Need to pee all the time at the moment, even if I have just been
Heartburn is so bad
Much much more Breathless and dizziness
Tired through lack of sleep
Pelvic Girdle Pain
Rib pain
Braxton Hicks

Belly button in or out? Sometimes looks like its about to pop out but it's just about still an innie

Wedding rings on or off? Off :0(

Happy or moody most of the time: Ecstatically, deliriously and insanely happy. I'm still getting frustrated when I can't do things I need to do but the most important thing is that our babies are ok so I need to learn to take it easy.

Looking forward to: Being on leave and having all my time to concentrate on getting ready for the babies. Nursery is almost finished, just a few final decisions to make and a few bits to order. We also have our bump photoshoot next Friday so I'm excited for that.

Thank you so much for reading

Love

Chele

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27 Weeks Twin Pregnancy Update

Watch my 27 Week Pregnancy Vlog here!

I wish I had been updating on here sooner but if you wish to see updates prior to 24 weeks I have been uploading almost weekly updates in my YouTube Channel from 6 weeks to date.

How far along? 27 weeks

26 weeks 4 days

Total weight gain/measurements: I don't have any scales at home so haven't weighed myself since my last update but when I do I will be sure to update on here.

Measurements: I don't know what my waist measurement was pre pregnancy and I am kicking myself for not measuring from the beginning but here is what I have:

26 weeks 1 day

17 weeks 5 days: 38.2 inches

20 weeks: 39 inches

21 weeks: 40 inches

24 weeks: 41 inches

25 weeks: 41.5 inches

26 weeks: 40.5 inches

27 weeks: 41 inches

Maternity clothes: again, I haven't light anything new this week and I'm still in my Sainsburys Leggings I mentioned last week. I wonder how long I an just stick with these for.

If you like seeing Maternity Outfits I do post OOTD pics most days on my Instagram which is Chelenic. 

Stretch marks: Still none! Still slapping on the Bio Oil and Burts Bees tummy butter this week. My raw, organic coconut oil arrived so i'm excited to try that! I'll let you how I like it. 

Sleep: this isnt getting any better. with my inflamed ribs I just cannot get comfy no matter how many pillows I prop myself up and pad myself out with. Then when I'm close to sleep i need to get up and pee. Any tips would be most appreciated!

Best moment this week: Our 2nd attempt at our 4D scan at 26 + 1.

We managed to see our girl a bit better thank our first attempt but our boys foot was in the way. This meant that the pictures of our girl were still not as clear as those of our boy but we did get to see a bit better.

Our beautiful girl

Our gorgeous boy

It's funny, I feel like I know their personalities already. I feel like our girl is calm and serene (not like her mummy!) and our boy is a cheeky little fellow with a naughty smile, he's a bit more boisterous in my tummy too.  We'll see if I'm right! 

Cheeky boy smiling!

Anything else to report this week? I am being sick again this week. Not every day but about 4 times this week. Also my pelvis gets a bit achey and sometimes I feel like I need to hold up my bump!

Oh yeah and I sneezed and peed myself the other night again! (when you need to go just go, don't hold it. When will I learn?)

Miss anything? Nope, we would trade anything for this!

Movement: the movement feels a bit different now. It definitely feels stronger. Sometimes it doesn't feel like a kick more like they are moving around.its amazing. They seem. Ire active when I get into bed but perhaps that because I am laying down.

Food cravings: I'm still crazy for orange juice, especially the Copella one, it tastes amazingly fresh. Also I'm finding that however hungry I feel I can't eat normal size portions, maybe because my tummy is already full.

Anything making you queasy or sick? I am being sick again but it's kind of sporadic, I can't really pinpoint it on anything in particular.

Labour signs: Nope and I'd like it to stay that way for many weeks yet!

Symptoms: 

Big tummy

Babies using my bladder as a trampoline even more right now

Need to pee all the time at the moment, even if I have just been 

Heartburn

Much much more Breathless and dizziness

Tired through lack of sleep

Belly button in or out? Somehow it's still in! 

Wedding rings on or off? Off :0( I'm to worried they will get stuck

Happy or moody most of the time: Ecstatically, deliriously and insanely happy. I'm still getting frustrated when I can't do things I need to do but the most important thing is that our babies are ok so I need to learn to take it easy.

Looking forward to: Andy finished the main painting in the nursery last Sunday and almost finished refurbing the changer we bought. I just need to add a few touches to the walls and the changer so I'm hoping they turn out well.

I have mostly used the questions from Samantha Schuerman when she was doing her pregnancy updates and also from Anna over at The Style Diet. Thanks ladies, I always enjoyed reading your updates!

Thank you so much for reading

Love

Chele

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26 weeks Twin Pregnancy Update

26 weeks Twin Pregnancy Update

Watch my 26 Week Pregnancy Vlog here!

I wish I had been updating on here sooner but if you wish to see updates prior to 24 weeks I have been uploading almost weekly updates in my YouTube Channel from 6 weeks to date.

How far along? 26 weeks

25 weeks 1 day

Total weight gain/measurements: I don't have any scales at home so haven't weighed myself since my last update but when I do I will be sure to update on here.

Measurements: I don't know what my waist measurement was pre pregnancy and I am kicking myself for not measuring from the beginning but here is what I have:

17 weeks 5 days: 38.2 inches

20 weeks: 39 inches

21 weeks: 40 inches

24 weeks: 41 inches

25 weeks: 41.5 inches

26 weeks: 40.5 inches!!!! WHY AM I MEASURING SMALLER????

Maternity clothes: Haven't bought anything new this week and apart from Jeans I am mostly wearing items I had pre-pregnancy despite my vast tum! The best items that have seen me through are some black leggings from Sainsburys. I think they were 2 pairs for about £14. I bought these in a size 12 (one size up) when I was about 6 weeks pregnant and they are really hight waisted so so far have managed to extend up over my bump! I don't think I will be able to wear them too much longer but i cant believe they have seen me through this far.

If you like seeing Maternity Outfits I do post OOTD pics most days on my Instagram which is Chelenic. 

Stretch marks: Still none! Still slapping on the Bio Oil and Burts Bees tummy butter this week. I have also ordered some RAW, organic coconut oil as I have heard so many fab things about it and it multi uses! I plan to put it on my bump, massage my perinium with it (sorry if tmi!), use it on the babies as moisturiser after bath and on their little bumps to prevent nappy rash. I can also use it on my nipples for breastfeeding and its antibacterial, good for if babies have thrush in their mouths or I have it on my nipples!! I'll let you know how all this goes in the future. 

Sleep: My sleeping is so bad right now. with my inflamed ribs I just cannot get comfy. Any tips would be most appreciated!

Best moment this week: This has to be receiving a beautiful Mothers Day card. It is such a thoughtful card. I the envelope propped up on my bedside table, opened it and started crying. I have honestly never been so happy or overwhelmed to receive a card before. I love how it has a picture of all of my babies on it. Just beautiful.

Anything else to report this week? It became a bit of a crazy week hence my last update going up so late. I actually wrote my update on Monday night and was very pleased with myself for being so organised. On wednesday I went to read though, make any edits and upload. My update was not there. After much annoyance, a bit of shouting and angry tweets to the owners of the app I was using I just had to give in and start again. So I was going to do this Thursday evening.

I went to work on Thursday and I thought I felt a bit not quite right when I left the house but thought it would pass.  Anyway, I got to work and as the morning wore on I was feeling much worse. I felt very dizzy and breathless. I went to the "sick room" at work and after laying down a short while I called the Midwife at my hospital. She checked my iron levels from my last blood test and my levels were low and she said she would be on her knees if her levels were that low! She told me to get home and lay down for a few hours (on my left side) and if still not feeling good to call back. 

I am about 1hr 30 mins on underground away from home and there was no way I could get on a tube alone like that so I got a cab (Andy couldn't come and get me as our car was in the garage being fixed from where I had recently scraped it oops!)

I got home, lay down and thought ok, I know its my iron levels making me like this, the babies are fine. I will get some rest and then if I still feel bad tomorrow I will go to the Pregnancy Day Assessment Unit at the hospital.

so from laying down from about 2pm Thursday afternoon until around 10am the next morning I was feeling worse if anything.

Andy took me to the hospital friday afternoon.

The first thing they did was check our babies heartbeats. Phew our babies were fine!

They took a urine sample from me....fine. The took my blood pressure...fine. The pain in my left ribs (that I have had for weeks) is apparently where the cartilage in my ribs is inflamed. They said it will be this way for rest of pregnancy and prescribed me codydramol for the pain, tho I'm not sure it does much.

Then they confirmed my iron was low and switched me from ferrous furrate tablets to ferrous sulphate which apparently is easier absorbed though can be nasty on your tummy.

relieved thats thats all it was I spent the weekend resting and the week working from home. I'm still very dizzy and breathless but I guess it may take a while for the iron to get into my system?

So all of this is why my 25 week update (last week) went up so late (25 weeks 4 days) 

Miss anything? Nope, we would trade anything for this!

Movement: lots of movement still. Especially in the evening in the bath and when I get into bed. The last few days they seem especially active around midnight. 

Food cravings: I haven't really had any cravings this week. I feel thirsty a lot and really like orange juice at the moment.

Anything making you queasy or sick? My dizziness is making me feel a bit queasy but I'm fine with food etc.

25 weeks 4 days

Gender: Boy and girl!

Labour signs: Nope and I'd like it to stay that way for many weeks yet!

Symptoms: 

Big tummy

Babies using my bladder as a trampoline even more right now

Heartburn, though not as bad as it has been

Much much more Breathless and dizziness

Tired through lack of sleep

Belly button in or out? It's still getting more and more shallow as the weeks have gone on and at the moment looks like it could pop out any minute

Wedding rings on or off? Off :0( I'm to worried they will get stuck

Happy or moody most of the time: Ecstatically, deliriously and insanely happy. I have been a bit of a mizog this week but only because I feel so bad with the dizziness, breathlessnes and rib pain. I'm having to work from home (from my bed mostly to be more precise) and its pretty isolating. Also I tend to get a bit frustrated as there is so much to do and i cant really do much at all! I know I will have the inflamed ribs for the rest of my pregnancy and that it will get worse, but I'm hoping that come tomorrow when I have been on my new iron tablets for a week there will be more improvement. Any tips on this would be most welcome too!

Looking forward to: 4d scan part deux Thursday (tomorrow), hopefully our little pink one will cooperate more and we can get more images and footage! So very excited to see our babies again! I have ordered some more baby bits and nursery items so I'm excited for them to arrive and see the nursery coming together. (Online shopping is very dangerous when you are housebound!)
I'm also looking forward to Andy and I doing my belly cast! I bought a kit from eBay and we plan to do it this weekend if possible. I will blog the process for you but I imagine it will be messy.

I have mostly used the questions from Samantha Schuerman when she was doing her pregnancy updates and also from Anna over at The Style Diet. Thanks ladies, I always enjoyed reading your updates!

Thank you so much for reading

Love

Chele

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A bit of a late 25 weeks Twin Pregnancy Update

Watch my 25 Week Pregnancy Vlog here!

I wish I had been updating on here sooner but if you wish to see updates prior to 24 weeks I have been uploading almost weekly updates in my YouTube Channel from 6 weeks to date.

How far along? 25 weeks! (As at Wednesday 6th March)

24 WEEKS 6 DAYS

Total weight gain/measurements: I don't have any scales at home so haven't weighed myself since my last update but when I do I will be sure to update on here.

Measurements: I don't know what my waist measurement was pre pregnancy and I am kicking myself for not measuring from the beginning but here is what I have:

17 weeks 5 days: 38.2 inches

20 weeks: 39 inches

21 weeks: 40 inches

24 weeks: 41 inches

25 weeks: 41.5 inches

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24 Weeks today! My Twin Pregnancy update

Watch my 24 Week Pregnancy Vlog here!

I wish I had been updating on here sooner but if you wish to see updates until now, I have been uploading almost weekly updates in my YouTube Channel from 6 weeks to date.

How far along? 24 weeks! I didn't know this was a pretty big milestone until yesterday when a friend on Twitter told me that by 24 weeks if the babies come this early their survival rate goes up (I believe around a 40% chance of survival). Obviously I want them to stay in my tum as long as possible but I found that quite reassuring so thanks Nicola!

Total weight gain/measurements: the only time I have been weighed was at my 9 week midwife appointment when I was 63kg, today weighed at doctors for first time and I'm 71kg. Don't know if thats good or bad for twins??

Measurements: I don't know what my waist measurement was pre pregnancy and I am kicking myself for not measuring from the beginning but here is what I have:

17 weeks 5 days: 38.2 inches

20 weeks: 39 inches

21 weeks: 40 inches

24 weeks: 41 inches

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IVF ICSI Cycle 3: my personal notes from Stimms to 24 weeks pregnant with twins

A lot of people contact me asking what my symptoms have been at different stages from during IVF cycle to any stage in my pregnancy. I thought I would share my unedited notes with you that I have kept along the way on my phone.

Obviously this is just what I experienced and will not be the same for everyone.

Day 5 of gonal f scan

4 follicles on left 6 on right between about 6 and 9 ish mm

Day 9 gonal scan

10 follicles in total between 10 -14mm

Day 12 scan

Left follicle sizes: 20,19,18,16,14, 13,10,9

Right follicle sizes: 20,17,16,16,16, 10

Day 14 Egg Collection

17 eggs!

1 day after collection

12 have fertilised!!! Thank you God! Xx

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Catching up and Outcome of IVF ICSI Cycle 3

I'm so sorrry its been so long! Almost 6 months exactly.

I have been making regular videos for my YouTube channel to keep those interested updated but I have been incredibly slack with my blogging and want to get back into again.

Incase you don't follow my YouTube or Twitter and are not up to date here was my announcement of the outcome of my 3rd IVF ICSI cycle:

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IVF Has Taught Me.......

It's very difficult to explain effectively what it is really like to be in this situation and I don't think you could KNOW what it feels like if you haven't been here. Can you really know what it is like to face life without a family when it's all you really want? (some people want to be rock stars, movie stars, billionaires .... I just want to be a mummy and for Andy to be a daddy, so not asking much are we really). Or to Know what it's like to continually go through these invasive procedures to have any chance of becoming a family? What it is like to think you have got there and then to loose your precious baby? And then after all that, pick yourself up and try again and again.....whilst trying not to let it affect your marriage, to see your partner suffering and try to help you while you are suffering and have no idea how to help him, to get up every day and face the world and keep on top of things at work and at home. Do you ever feel like some people expect you just to "forget about it", "move on", "get over it", "put it behind you"? Or feel like you aren't given credit for what you are managing to do despite all this? Anyway, are some things I am learning along the way.....


Patience

I used to wish my life away- cant wait until the weekend, can't wait until my holiday etc. I don't really think like this now and try to live in real time. Work through day to day as it is without thinking too much about next week, next month.

Time is precious

I also used to build up so much anxiety weeks before cycles, appoinments, test results etc. spending weeks beforehand going over it all in my head and worrying about it. What will they say, what will the result be. Even with things like Andy going away. I would spend weeks or months thinking, what's it gonna be like when he's away, I'm going to be sad, it's going to be horrible. Again now I don't worry about these things until they happen, in that timeframe, in that moment. This has also made me a lot calmer and I don't worry so much until the occasion arises, ie I won't think about an appointment until the day is upon us.

Communicate, communicate, communicate!

Andy is my rock. He is so supportive. We have learnt to communicate much more about our feelings throughout this process. I think at the beginning we were both dealing with things in our own ways and were perhaps very insular with our feelings. It has not been easy but overtime we have both opened up more and are able to speak to eachother about how we feel. I think at the beginning we didn't want to say things for fear of upsetting eachother. I guess you have to be careful about how you say things but it is important that you do express you feelings.

You can't plan everything

I have always been an avid planner. I wanted to know what we were doing and when. Even as far ahead as next year. Things obviously haven't turned out the way we planned. You have to just roll with it. You can have an idea of what you would like to happen but perpare for the obstacles. The downside to this though is my usual organised and prepared self has gone out of the window. I will pack for holiday the day before instead of weeks ahead, I will make hair/beauty/dental apps at the last possible moment. To be honest I kind of like it this way. I just feels a bit more relaxed.

You learn who is really "there for you"

I don't think I need to elaborate on this one. Some don't "get it" but some don't even try to.

Appreciation/don't take anything for granted

Give yourself and eachother credit for getting though. You and your partner know more than anyone how all this feels so be kind to eachother. Tell eachother you are proud of them. Tell them you appreciate them for being there, for being strong or even just for getting through the day. Or even for putting up with your wobbles. I am proud to have Andy by my side. We are a team, in this together, getting on and getting through with the same goal in mind. We will get there, together and stronger.

I wouldn't even try to justify why this is happening to us and it's easy to say everything happens for a reason. But when the thing that is happening is this major sometimes it's hard to stick to that belief even if you do usually believe it. I will however say that sometimes I wonder if this is happening to us to teach us something and to make us grow. Whether I can truly believe this in the darkest hours (miscarriage/failed cycle) sometimes I like to reflect on what I have learnt from this and the positive things it has bought out in me. Whatever gets you through I guess.

What gets you through?

 

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IVF and Ignorant Comments

I was moved to write this post when a friend on twitter (@babyhopeivf) mentioned that people in her office were discussing the news on IVF today that the age limit is being raised from 39 to 42 for women to have access to IVF on the NHS.

The discussion was along the lines of, the world is already overpopulated why bring more people into it. Sadly ignorant comments such a this I have heard all to often over the last few years. This is an ignorant statement not only because sometimes people need to have IVF to have a child due to infertility but also -  if they are going to have cancer treatment so they can preserve their fertility, are unable to have intercourse i.e. if they have a physical disability and same sex couples who want a family.

 Who are these ignorant people to decide who is allowed to have children. Well, if you want to go down that road.....

They wouldn't be saying this is they were in this situation desperate to be a family or if they had to witness the pain and heartache of someone they love going though it.

I guess us IVF folks see it from the another perspective. We see people popping kids out left right and centre when they can't take care of them or wont take care of them. People who have them and then abuse them. Who have unprotected sex daming the consequences and the children are put into care. Drug abusers who's children are born addicted and need to be weaned off a substance. I could go on.

My opinion may be controversial but I would hazzard a guess that anyone going through countless medications, tests, invasive procedures, heartache and loss to have a child would have suffered these thoughts on many occasion.  Watching Jeremy Kyle (I wont watch it) and witnessing these "I have 5 children and I don't know who any of the fathers are" , "had a bunk up behind a bus stop with the bloke who runs the chippie and his wife found out and now I'm preggo"

Well, it gets to you. Oh and don't even get me started on the "having a baby is a privillage not a rite" posse. Yes it is a privilege but why should we be denied trying to achieve it. Would you even think this if you were in our shoes?

No one who has a reasonable chance of conceiving should be denied the chance to have a family. Follow my blog with Bloglovin Tweet

IVF: Our Four Year Wedding Anniversary

Today is our four year Wedding Anniversary. It is so bittersweet and I am struggling with such a range of emotions right now that I thought I would try to put it into words, as I am sure that many others on the IVF roller coaster must feel like this too.

On one hand I am so happy and grateful for what we do have and cannot believe that it has been four years already. I am so happy that I found the love of my life and married such an amazing man. It hasn't always been easy, especially on this IVF journey but I am so glad we are making it though and I do believe we are stronger for all our trials.

Through all the hard times that have faced us, the joy of getting pregnant on our first ICSI cycle to the miscarriage, to the failure of our second cycle, my love for Andy has not waned. In fact I would say that I love him all the more for it as this journey is showing me just how strong and supportive Andy is. His patience, strength, love and support never ceases to amaze me. Had we not been though this would I ever truly have known just how wonderful he is? Have these testing times just resulted to prove the strength of our love? Believe me, I do think about this every day and for these reasons and that I have this wonderful man by my side I feel loved, I love and I am happy.

On the other hand today is also filled with so much sadness. Four years ago today we stood side by side in a beautiful garden in Mauritius and said our vows. On that day we were filled with so much excitement as to what our future held and we could not wait to start our family. On this day four years ago I threw away my contraceptive pill and had butterflies of anticipation in my tummy just thinking of the day when a pregnancy test would show positive and how wonderful it would feel to tell Andy he was going to be a daddy. I wasn't too naive to think that only a month or so of "trying" and boom - positive test. But after a year of disappointment each month I knew something had to be wrong and well, if you have read my post "our story so far", you know what brings us to where we are today.

I look back at our wedding photos and again my emotions conflict, from "wow, that was so amazing" and "I can't believe that was four years ago" to "we had no idea we would be in this situation", we were so happy and excited then and had no idea of the pain we would be facing. Sometimes it just hurts to look at our smiling faces in the photos and remember what it was like to not feel this much pain. Sometimes I think I would just love to go back to that even for a day when we were just Chele and Andy and not an infertile couple.

 So as I sit here at 5am having been kept awake all night by these thoughts racing through my brain and struggling desperately to articulate them I am willing the happier side to win. Today we will celebrate our marriage, we will celebrate our love for each other and the strength we have found that we never knew we had. We will be grateful that we are together in this journey and that we have the courage to keep pushing through it as we are only still on this journey because we want to be on it together, working towards our dream. Despite everything, we still believe we can make our dream a reality. It is just taking us longer to get there, but we will get there.

Together we can make this dream come true and I hope and pray that this time next year I will be writing a completely different story at 5am because, instead of my restless mind, our baby is keeping me awake.

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IVF: People have asked me.....

People have asked me in the past if you really want children this much, what if you find out that it's not going to happen even with the IVF would you leave Andy? They have said that if the difficulty was with their husband they don't think they could stay. That they would find someone else to have their future with.  I have friends that whilst having all the tests had said that they hope their is something wrong with them as they don't know if they could stay if it was their husbands. This is not an option for me. Yes I do want children with all my heart, I do want to be a mum and hold and love and nurture our child. To watch Andy be the amazing dad that i know he will be. In fact I cant see a future without children but I want this WITH my husband. Yes it tears me apart every day and I worry about it constantly. It's heartbreaking and soul destroying. It's biggest challenge we as individuals and our relationship has ever faced.  All we can do is love eachother, be kind to eachother, be patient with eachother as we process our feelings and heal our hearts at each setback. We have to hope, be healthy and do the IVF. Because being without  my Andy is not an option either.  Tweet

Our Story So Far.....

Andy and I married in May 2008. We immediately began trying for a baby. We tried naturally for about a year with no success so I went to the GP for tests. I had blood tests and they all came back ok. The GP would not test anything further with me until they ruled out any problems with Andy by doing a semen analysis. It took some months to convince Andy to go for tests, he has since said that he was delaying it as he was so worried about the outcome. Andy's results came back showing there was 0 sperm in his semen. This condition is known as Azoospermia. They then performed an ultrasound on Andy. We were told at this point that we would not be able to have children together, this was devastating. Meanwhile I had a HSG, where dye is flushed through the fallopian tubes to check for blockages. This came back fine, We were then referred for IVF in September 2010. We had various consultations and were due to start IVF in November/December 2010. We went to our co-ordination appointment and at this point were told that Andy tested positive as being a carrier for Cystic Fybrosis and that this would most likely be the cause of his Azoospermia, non-obstructive Azoospermia. The IVF cycle was then put on hold as they had to test me for Cystic Fybrosis. If both partners carry the gene there is a high risk of their child having Cystic Fybrosis. This was a worrying time as this could have meant again that we wouldnt be able to proceed with the IVF due to the high risk factor if I was also a carrier. I had a blood test and we waited two weeks for the results, thankfully I was not showing as a carrier. They only check 23 parts of the gene as there are hundreds of different mutations but they considered us low risk as it suggested I didn't carry the gene. They concluded then also that Andy's Azoospermia was attributed to the absence of the Vas Defrens. We were given the go ahead to proceed with IVF. On 14th February 2011 Andy had a surgical sperm retrieval proceedure, hoping they could find some sperm to freeze so that we could have the IVF. They found loads!!! This was the best news ever!!! I started my Buserelin injections for our first cycle on 28th April 2011. for our first cycle on 28th April 2011. We had one blastocyst transferred as we were only allowed to have one on our first cycle.  Early June, the result was in. We were pregnant! We were so happy I cannot put it into words. This happiness soon ended when at 9 weeks we went for a scan and were told that there was no heartbeat and that we had a missed miscarriage and that I would imminently miscarry. 2 weeks later and the miscarriage still hadn't happened so we opted for medical management. This resulted in an incomplete miscarriage and I ended up having to have a d&c at 14 weeks in August 2011. We had various check ups etc and in November I was told that's there we're adhesions from the d&c and that I needed to have them removed before we proceeded with another cycle. I had a procedure to remove the adhesions in December 2011. We started cycle number 2 in February 2012. After 2 weeks on Buserelin they discovered I had a cyst on my left ovary which had to be removed before I could move on to the Gonal-f. The cyst was removed and then everything seemed to be going ok. I had my egg collection on 19th march 2012 and they collected 16 eggs. On 20th march the hospital called to say that 4 of the 16 had fertilised (we had ICSI with both cycles). They said that they would call me back on Thursday 22nd to let me know progress and whether the transfer would be on the Friday or Saturday. They called me on 22nd to say that unfortunately all of the embryos had stopped developing. Again our world was shattered. Andy and I went on holiday to have some time together and regroup and gain some strength to do it again. We came back from holiday last Thursday 5th April and I'm currently awaiting and appointment with the hospital to review the cycle and see what happens next. Please follow our journey and please contact me if you have any questions, I am always happy to help. Babydust to everyone!! Chele xxxx Tweet