Thursday, July 12, 2012

IVF Has Taught Me.......

It's very difficult to explain effectively what it is really like to be in this situation and I don't think you could KNOW what it feels like if you haven't been here. Can you really know what it is like to face life without a family when it's all you really want? (some people want to be rock stars, movie stars, billionaires .... I just want to be a mummy and for Andy to be a daddy, so not asking much are we really). Or to Know what it's like to continually go through these invasive procedures to have any chance of becoming a family? What it is like to think you have got there and then to loose your precious baby? And then after all that, pick yourself up and try again and again.....whilst trying not to let it affect your marriage, to see your partner suffering and try to help you while you are suffering and have no idea how to help him, to get up every day and face the world and keep on top of things at work and at home. Do you ever feel like some people expect you just to "forget about it", "move on", "get over it", "put it behind you"? Or feel like you aren't given credit for what you are managing to do despite all this? Anyway, are some things I am learning along the way.....


I used to wish my life away- cant wait until the weekend, can't wait until my holiday etc. I don't really think like this now and try to live in real time. Work through day to day as it is without thinking too much about next week, next month.

Time is precious

I also used to build up so much anxiety weeks before cycles, appoinments, test results etc. spending weeks beforehand going over it all in my head and worrying about it. What will they say, what will the result be. Even with things like Andy going away. I would spend weeks or months thinking, what's it gonna be like when he's away, I'm going to be sad, it's going to be horrible. Again now I don't worry about these things until they happen, in that timeframe, in that moment. This has also made me a lot calmer and I don't worry so much until the occasion arises, ie I won't think about an appointment until the day is upon us.

Communicate, communicate, communicate!

Andy is my rock. He is so supportive. We have learnt to communicate much more about our feelings throughout this process. I think at the beginning we were both dealing with things in our own ways and were perhaps very insular with our feelings. It has not been easy but overtime we have both opened up more and are able to speak to eachother about how we feel. I think at the beginning we didn't want to say things for fear of upsetting eachother. I guess you have to be careful about how you say things but it is important that you do express you feelings.

You can't plan everything

I have always been an avid planner. I wanted to know what we were doing and when. Even as far ahead as next year. Things obviously haven't turned out the way we planned. You have to just roll with it. You can have an idea of what you would like to happen but perpare for the obstacles. The downside to this though is my usual organised and prepared self has gone out of the window. I will pack for holiday the day before instead of weeks ahead, I will make hair/beauty/dental apps at the last possible moment. To be honest I kind of like it this way. I just feels a bit more relaxed.

You learn who is really "there for you"

I don't think I need to elaborate on this one. Some don't "get it" but some don't even try to.

Appreciation/don't take anything for granted

Give yourself and eachother credit for getting though. You and your partner know more than anyone how all this feels so be kind to eachother. Tell eachother you are proud of them. Tell them you appreciate them for being there, for being strong or even just for getting through the day. Or even for putting up with your wobbles. I am proud to have Andy by my side. We are a team, in this together, getting on and getting through with the same goal in mind. We will get there, together and stronger.

I wouldn't even try to justify why this is happening to us and it's easy to say everything happens for a reason. But when the thing that is happening is this major sometimes it's hard to stick to that belief even if you do usually believe it. I will however say that sometimes I wonder if this is happening to us to teach us something and to make us grow. Whether I can truly believe this in the darkest hours (miscarriage/failed cycle) sometimes I like to reflect on what I have learnt from this and the positive things it has bought out in me. Whatever gets you through I guess.

What gets you through?


1 comment:

  1. Thank you for writing this... When I read this I felt like I could have written it! I can say what gets me through also is Hope, trying to keep hope for the future I want so much. I'm not always good at this but my husband will always stay hopeful for our future, which in turn gives me hope. I have followed your journey on youtube since the very start. We lost our little boy in April this year, he was born at 19 weeks. We are just starting our 2nd round of IVF now.
    One of the things I have found incredibly hard is the people that don't seem to want to try to be there for me through everything, I feel I've lost so much already and I'm losing some of my friends now as well...
    Sorry for this long rant of a response :o)

    I wish you all the luck for your next IVF cycle, keep hope... xxx